Just recently, I began to wonder more about the experiences I have had with love. not only romantic love, but platonic & familial love. I used to think that the word “hopeless romantic” fit my personality perfectly. It no longer matters how many times I rewatch 10 things I hate about you, or The Notebook— the term doesn’t feel true to myself anymore, not in the way it did when I was a toddler and adolescent. I went from being all consumed by love at a young age, to growing up, and realizing it isn’t perfect.
It is no surprise that as I aged, I lost my optimism towards love, any type of love. I realized people do hurt you and it can happen in any way. I know that is superficial to say, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less. Friends, lovers, and family can destroy you all the same. But I also learned that in the same way, they can bring you back together.
Discussing my experience loving people is not something I can do easily. In my younger years I spent my time loving surface level friends, or having crushes on people who I knew were wrong for me even as a kid. I thought I loved everyone. And I think you should show love to everyone, but I don’t love everyone. Nobody does. I am reluctant to talk about loving people because I love people too hard. I love people too hard that it made me a pessimist.
Maybe that is a good thing. I will never get disappointed, and I will never settle. But maybe it is a bad thing. I will always have a negative view on love, and I may never believe I can find it. Or it can be both. No matter what trait you may have, there will be pros and cons of it. I can balance out the good and bad factors that come with loving hard, and it is something I will never apologize for—no matter how much I may dislike it.
I know I love hard because I remember every man I ever had a crush on, from seven to seventeen. I know I love hard because I remember the minuscule details from childhood memories—the way my grandma would make her meatballs and put on my coat, or the scratchy feeling of the princess dress up clothes I would wear with my friends. I also know I love hard because I remember every time I have been disappointed by ones who didn’t care about me. And that sums up the fact that love is intricate. We love people even if they don’t love us, and we still remember the microscopic details.
Maybe I will forever be confused why I didn’t get to experience being in love during my teen years, or why I allowed myself to invest my love in meaningless friendships, but I still hold the love I do have close. My love for my family reminds me that even though I am not in love with anybody, love does exist. It doesn’t have to be romantic. But even though my perception of love is confusing and warped, I do cling to the idea that I can feel it, and that I may meet a person who shares that towards me as well. I mean, who knows, I am only seventeen!
- Olivia
No matter what trait you may have, there will be pros and cons of it. I can balance out the good and bad factors that come with loving hard, and it is something I will never apologize for—no matter how much I may dislike it.